On the one hand I’m hoping that it’s okay to give up so I can put my head to rest. My brain keeps on worrying about questions that I shouldn’t ask myself. Deep into the night I am thinking about the meaning of life, I wonder why I should have depressive feelings and I am looking for the reason why there is so much evil in the world. Eventually I fall asleep and dream about a better future. On the other hand, I just can not accept it. There is so much that I would like to change and improve and then I suddenly seem to be stronger than my negativity. Then I am so brave that I can go on a journey alone, so confident that I can walk over the street without music in my ears and I am so glad that I forget my own depression. For me there is no way in between with being happy and depressed. There is only an endless struggle between the contrast. An endless struggle between myself and myself. This article is not about the invisible way in between, it is about giving up, surviving and living with a mental illness.
About giving up if my mental health sucks
There are many prejudices when it comes to giving up. One finds it a sign of weakness, the other a sign of cowardice. But actually giving up is a sign of being human. We give up people who have a bad influence on us, we give up money in exchange for the messages or products and we even give up time. It is the normal course of events. To give up is not about giving in, it is about moving forward.
Living with a psychological vulnerability feels like a heavy backpack is hanging on my back. In my case it looks exactly as if an erroneous formula was used to calculate gravity, so that I would be drawn to earth more heavily than someone else, someone “healthy”. Together with an overweight backpack this life seems like a conspiracy against me and a guarantee that my life just leads to a failure.
Having a mental disorder is difficult, even though that word “difficult” is totally underrated. I always wonder how I can climb a ladder when I am drawn to earth so hard. It seems impossible, but it is not. It’s just hard.
Surviving when I wanted to give up
As people, we are surviving every day, minute and second. Just as the animals must survive, nature must survive in its entirety. So you have trees that provide oxygen, water that provides for drinking and the sun that gives warmth and light. Everything goes hand in hand so that we can survive. Every being has his own task. Even though I wonder what kind of use I am in this world.
So here I am, once again, pondering what I am going to do to change and improve the world. As a child I wanted to see the world differently. Our world had to be like a fairytale world. But now I think it’s enough that people simply agree with each other. Through the years I have become milder for humanity and I continue to see the good in people, but that is at the expense of myself. I am just getting harsher to myself and I don’t see anything positive about me anymore. I don’t allow myself a single shred of pity. When I became depressed, I left everything at my side, neglected everything and everyone who came on my path and no longer believed in goodness. That does depression. It destroys every inch of positivity and stops until everything is one big black hole. It is difficult to give even more, which means that every few months I give up the game here. Only to ask myself what I get in the place.
If we give up negative relationships, we get good relationships in place (that’s the way it should be). When we give up money, we get what we have bought in return. When we give up time, we get memories in place. But when we give up life, we get nothing in its place. I don’t think that’s fair, so why should I want this kind of unfair exchange? At that moment my survival instinct starts. As a lawyer, I will then fight to get justice.
Living is about going 100% and taking risks
Previously, I tried to survive. It is hard to live with a mental disorder whether it is a depression or an eating disorder or everything in between and together with it. But with survival you also get nothing in return. I learned this gradually. No matter how hard life with a mental disorder is, no matter how difficult it seems to find the light in the dark and how complicated my brain is, living seems to be more interesting than just surviving.Follow your dreams and take good care of yourself. - By Mostly Abroad, SanneClick To Tweet
Despite the bad feeling of that gravity, I have found a way to live fully: traveling gives me a certain zest for life. A lust that I never really understood how it worked. That is why I continue to travel, despite the difficulty to travel with the depression and anxiety.
I would never call myself a risk taker, although I do find myself at the point of taking a big risk. So I decided that I’m not going to study for the moment and go pro with my blog. With Mostly Abroad I want to make it clear to people that traveling with any kind of mental illness is possible. I want to inspire, motivate and help these people. Through this blog I also want to break that stigma concerning mental health. Not only do I want to give courage to my readers, I also want to tell you that nothing or no one can have the power over your life. Only you can do that. So if you want something that goes against someone else’s advice, do not leave it for what it is. Go for your dreams and take care of yourself.